The Nettie Thomson Compliment Method

Imagine the scene: your friend comes over to show you her new dress. She tries it on and asks what you think. You look at her, standing in front of the mirror like an over-stuffed viscose sausage, the yellow of the fabric making her skin look like she’s in the throes of liver failure. What do you say? Imagine the scene: your brother comes over to show you his new car. You go out to the street to see, parked between your sensible family motor and next door’s transit, your bro has swapped his Ford Focus for the purple-ist, shiniest, penis substitute you’ve ever clapped eyes on. What do you say? Imagine the scene: you go to visit your nan who is excited to hear your opinion on her newly decorated living room. The paper is a shade of blue not found...

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The Doctor Will See You Now…

It’s a lovely day today, isn’t it? Not exactly hot, but mild and the seaside smell has permeated the whole house. I left to go to Campbeltown to pick up my prescriptions and get some shopping in. We parked and while George headed to Boots for me, I went to The Factory Shop to see if they had any baking tins. I had a lovely time, wandering the aisles, laughing at the tat and admiring the odd gem. George reappeared to tell me my prescription wasn’t in. Puzzled, I called the Doctor using my mobile. I spoke to a very pleasant woman who told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had been removed from the practice. ‘That’s not right,’ I said. ‘I saw a doctor only a few weeks ago. I have blood tests booked for tomorrow. My mammogram...

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No one expects…

Another Tesco trip, this time with my daughter as well as mum. Mum: So, will you remember to order one of they nighties from Markies for me? Me: Yes, Mum. I’ll do it tonight. Mum: I’ve got loads of pyjamas, but I don’t like them as much. I don’t like feeling anything between my legs in bed at night. Me & Claire:… *** Mum: I need to defrost my fridge. It’s all icy. Me: You know, mum, that if you put all your frozen stuff in a clean bin bag and then wrap it in your duvet, it’ll help keep it cold so you can get the defrost done and not lose all your food. Mum: My duvet? Me: Yes, your duvet. It’ll act like a thermos flask – keep stuff cool or hot. Mum: But I’ll want to go to bed. Me & Claire: …...

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Jam

[tweetmeme source=”nettiewriter” http://www.URL.com] Mum: I need jam. Me: Ok, what kind? Mum: Peach. Me: Peach? Mum: Yes. Me: Do you mean apricot? Mum: Yes ***** I was looking at notebooks. Mum: That’s got a nice batter. Me: Batter? Mum: Aye, batter. Me: Batter? What’s a batter? Mum: Batter! It’s the batter! That bit there (pointing) Me: Cover? DO you mean the cover? Mum: Aye, that’s what I said, the cover. Me: … [tweetmeme source=”nettiewriter” http://www.URL.com] The social media...

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Alan

[tweetmeme source=”nettiewriter” http://www.URL.com] When we first lived together, my then fiance and I had a top floor flat in a tenement in Shawlands, Glasgow. The front windows looked out over Pollok Park. We had nothing facing us and we never bothered with curtains. In the summer it was so bright we had to wear sunglasses indoors,but we loved our big bay window overlooking the trees. Our bedroom was at the back of the property and looked down upon the back court where there was parking, some landscaped shrubs and a path leading around to all the other close entrances. The tenements around the court had a lot of old people living in them – they had lived in them for years and years, ever since they had been renovated by the city council so...

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