Even before I left, I knew doing the Christmas shopping with my mum wasn’t a good idea. I was proven right.

First, we went to Lidl.

“What’s that?”

“A jigsaw.”

“Oh. That’s nice. What’s that?”

“A calligraphy set.”


“A fancy pen.”

“Oh. What’s that? That’s lovely, isn’t it?”

“ It’s a wooden sled.”

“A sled? Ah thought it wis a table.”

“No, Mum.”


“Oh, look, a dart board! Ah’d love a dart board. I wish I had somewhere to put it.”

“But mum, your eyesight isn’t the best.” (She has macular degeneration and cataracts)

“But it’d pass the time.”

“Do you not think it’d be better to pass the time doing something that wouldn’t end up with broken lights, mirror, people…?”

“Och, you! Oh, look, they’ve got darts too!”

“No good without the dart board?”

“What’s that?”

Repeat ad infinitum.


Next shop, Pets at Home.

“What’s that?”

“It’s dog treats.”

“Oh, look at they bunnies. What’s that?”

“Those are guinea pigs.”

“You’ve got one of them.”

“Yes, I do.”

crate“£75? For that cage?”

“Yes, mum.”

“Wow. It doesn’t have anything in it even!”


“What’s that?”

Etc, etc.


Home Bargains.

“What’s that?”

Do I need to say more?



“See me? Ma heid’s cabbage.”

“Cabbage? What does cabbage have to do with it?”

“Och, I just made it up!”


We then came home where she started singing Temptation. No idea what the tune was, but I recognised some of the words.

fish supper“I had fish and chips last night so I don’t want it again for a while, but I want a fish supper.”

My daughter then told her that a lot of people thought the world was going to end tomorrow. She had never heard of it before, but she did think it was just like what happened in the year 1000 ‘cos she remembered it. We think she meant 2000…

Mum finished off her visit by talking in a foreign accent (“Ah’ve no idea what kind it is – ah made it up! Hahahahaha!”) and giving Heil Hitler Nazi salutes to the new puppy.

All I want for Christmas is to be told I’m adopted…

Merry Christmas, Mum, and thanks for all the fun xxx


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