The Chiropodist is on first base. Mum’s still in the dressing room…
Mum visits the chiropodist in Oldmeldrum every 2 or 3 weeks. She has visited this chiropodist for around 5 years. Mum: I got my chiropodist appointment through. It’s for a Wednesday. Me: Which Wednesday, Mum? Tomorrow? Mum: No, next week. The 11th. Oh, and I’ve to get my heart thing at the same place. Me: The chiropodist is doing your heart thing? Mum: No! It’s at the same place. In Inverurie. Me: The chiropodist isn’t in Inverurie. It’s in Oldmeldrum. Mum: Uh-huh. That’s right. The heart thing is in Inverurie. Beside the chiropodist. In the hospital. Me: Erm… there isn’t a hospital in Oldmeldrum. The chiropodist is in Oldmeldrum, the hospital is in Inverurie. Mum: Well…is it Inveraray then? Me: No that’s in Argyllshire. Mum: Where are we now? Me: In...
Read MoreLuther
In the car, taking mum to Tesco (where else?) and running out of things to tell her. She watches a LOT of TV, so… Me: Did you watch Luther last night? Mum: What? Me: Luther. Mum: What? Me: (louder) Luther. Mum: What? Me: (louder) Luther. Mum: Flipper? No, I didn’t see Flipper was it- Me: (screams) LUTHER! Mum: Oh, Luther! Me: Did you see it? Mum: No. The social media...
Read MoreI’ll pay for it.
Me: What’s that noise? Mum: It’s just the trough falling out the car. Me: The what now? Mum: The trough. Me: The trough? There’s no trough in the car. Mum: The…trow. Me: Trow? Do you mean trowel? Mum: … Me: Do you mean the windscreen scraper? Mum: is that what you cry it? Me: ………AAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! ******** Next stop, the garden centre for lunch. Mum: Is this where you pay for it. Me: No, I’ll tell you where. Mum: Is this where you pay for it? Me: No, I’ll tell you where. Mum: Is this where you pay for it. Me: No, Mum. I said I’d tell you where. I pick up the tray and walk to the cashier. Mum picks up her heels and keeps walking. Me: Mum! It’s here! Mum: Why did you not tell me? Me:...
Read MoreMerry Christmas, Mum
Even before I left, I knew doing the Christmas shopping with my mum wasn’t a good idea. I was proven right. First, we went to Lidl. “What’s that?” “A jigsaw.” “Oh. That’s nice. What’s that?” “A calligraphy set.” “….” “A fancy pen.” “Oh. What’s that? That’s lovely, isn’t it?” “ It’s a wooden sled.” “A sled? Ah thought it wis a table.” “No, Mum.” “Oh, look, a dart board! Ah’d love a dart board. I wish I had somewhere to put it.” “But mum, your eyesight isn’t the best.” (She has macular degeneration and cataracts) “But it’d pass the time.” “Do you not think it’d be better to pass the time doing something that wouldn’t end up with broken lights, mirror, people…?” “Och, you! Oh, look, they’ve got darts too!” “No good without the dart board?” “What’s that?” Repeat ad...
Read MoreI thought it was drab.
Me: Did you like the Olympic opening ceremony? Mum: I’m undecided. Me: Really? Why’s that? Mum: I thought it was awfully…drab. And it spent too long dwelling on the war. I lived through it, you know. Me: But the war was only a remembrance of those who died and it didn’t last long at all. Mum: But it was depressing and drab. I liked the fireworks though. And the bluebirds on bikes. Me: But not the rest? Mum: Nah, drab. Me: … ***** We are wandering around Tesco with mum’s list. Mum: I want Rice Crispies and Cornflakes. (we are in the washing detergent aisle) Me: I’ll remember when we get there, mum. Mum: I want Rice Crispies and Cornflakes. (we are in the bread aisle) Me: I know, mum. Mum: I want Rice Crispies and...
Read MoreNo one expects…
Another Tesco trip, this time with my daughter as well as mum. Mum: So, will you remember to order one of they nighties from Markies for me? Me: Yes, Mum. I’ll do it tonight. Mum: I’ve got loads of pyjamas, but I don’t like them as much. I don’t like feeling anything between my legs in bed at night. Me & Claire:… *** Mum: I need to defrost my fridge. It’s all icy. Me: You know, mum, that if you put all your frozen stuff in a clean bin bag and then wrap it in your duvet, it’ll help keep it cold so you can get the defrost done and not lose all your food. Mum: My duvet? Me: Yes, your duvet. It’ll act like a thermos flask – keep stuff cool or hot. Mum: But I’ll want to go to bed. Me & Claire: …...
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