Luther

Luther

In the car, taking mum to Tesco (where else?) and running out of things to tell her. She watches a LOT of TV, so… Me: Did you watch Luther last night? Mum: What? Me: Luther. Mum: What? Me: (louder) Luther. Mum: What? Me: (louder) Luther. Mum: Flipper? No, I...
I’ll pay for it.

I’ll pay for it.

Me: What’s that noise? Mum: It’s just the trough falling out the car. Me: The what now? Mum: The trough. Me: The trough? There’s no trough in the car. Mum: The…trow. Me: Trow? Do you mean trowel? Mum: … Me: Do you mean the windscreen...
Merry Christmas, Mum

Merry Christmas, Mum

Even before I left, I knew doing the Christmas shopping with my mum wasn’t a good idea. I was proven right. First, we went to Lidl. “What’s that?” “A jigsaw.” “Oh. That’s nice. What’s that?” “A calligraphy set.” “….” “A fancy pen.” “Oh. What’s that? That’s lovely,...
I thought it was drab.

I thought it was drab.

  Me: Did you like the Olympic opening ceremony? Mum: I’m undecided. Me: Really? Why’s that? Mum: I thought it was awfully…drab. And it spent too long dwelling on the war. I lived through it, you know. Me: But the war was only a remembrance of those...
No one expects…

No one expects…

Another Tesco trip, this time with my daughter as well as mum. Mum: So, will you remember to order one of they nighties from Markies for me? Me: Yes, Mum. I’ll do it tonight. Mum: I’ve got loads of pyjamas, but I don’t like them as much. I...
Open Windows

Open Windows

We’re coming home from Tesco. Mum: I’m too hot. Me: Why don’t you open the window then? Mum: I don’t know how. Me: (encouragingly) Yes you do! You remember. Mum: (thinks) Oh, aye! (makes a grab for a handle) Me: NOOOOOOOOO! That’s the...
Debate

Debate

Me: Your granddaughter is going to parliament to watch a debating competition. Mum: Where? Me: Parliament. Mum: London? (smiling) Me: No, Edinburgh. Mum: (frowns) Ah widnae go to Edinburgh just now. Me: Why not? Mum: ‘Cos of that Legionnaires disease. Me:...
Heinz Cream Crackers

Heinz Cream Crackers

Me: Mum, do you need anything in this aisle? Mum: No, I’ve got plenty of biscuits. Me: This is the soup aisle. Mum: No. Unless they have Scotch Broth. Is that the one I like? Me: *mutters and throws cans into trolley* The social media...

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