This is written for the same narrator as See Ma Man? I hope you enjoy it.

resolutions

See Ma Resolutions?

See me? See New Year’s resolutions? Ah hate them, so ah dae.

Every year ah say ah’m no gonnae dae them ony mair, but as sure as a murder oan Eastenders Christmas edition, ah aye end up makin’ a few.

Ah mean, efter the excesses o’ Christmas, we aw feel a bit guilty, don’t we? We spend two weeks spendin’ enough money tae keep Greece afloat and sittin oan oor erses, stuffin oor faces wi’ turkey, chocolate and booze. So whit’s the furst resolution we make? Losin’ weight. Ah’m no sayin’ that ah couldny dae wi’ losing a few stone. If ah pit oan a thong it’d split ma erse between two postcodes. And ye canny switch oan the telly withoot seein’ ads fer Weightwatchers, Lighter Life and Scottish Slimmers. Ah widny mind, but they aye use right skinny bitches tae advertise. Gie’s me the boak, so it does.

Talkin’ o’ which, wi aw think aboot joinin’ a gym an’ gettin’ fit. If ah did a circuit oan the machines at ma cooncil gym, the only thing ah’d be fit fer wid be the knacker’s yard. Last year ah signed up and paid fer the year up front. That wis eleven months and three weeks wasted money, so ah’m definitely no daein’ that again.

Anither popular resolution is daein’ somethin’ tae better yersel’. Taking up paintin’, yoga, learnin’ a new language. Well, ah don’t see why ah should hiv tae learn tae speak  another language. If foreigners come tae oor country, fair play tae them, but ah don’t see why ah should learm tae speak whit thae dae They can learn themselves tae speak English like ah dae.

So this year, this year ah’m only makin’ wan New Year’s resolution. Jist wan, but it’s a good wan. Ah resolve tae make nae maer resolutions! Well, mebbes jist wan maer. See ma man? See his Jumbo Sausage? Ah’m definitely no gi’en THAT up!

Happy New Year!

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