An Open Letter To Mark Zuckerberg

Dear Mark,

MarkI can call you Mark, can’t I? I feel we know each other so well. Perhaps I should say you know me so well. Over the years you’ve discovered my date of birth, mother’s maiden name, the places I’ve lived and worked, where and when I lost my virginity, where the bodies are buried… ahem, moving on. We’ve I’ve shared, lots. That’s why I feel so comfortable writing to you now to chat about a few issues I have with our relationship.

I can’t help but feel our affair is a little one-sided. You know so much about me but I know next to nothing about you. Every day I log in to see you asking how I’m feeling, what I’m doing, suggesting people I might get on with…but you never share your innermost feelings with me. Mark, dearest Mark, what are YOUR favourite TV shows? What books do YOU read? What’s YOUR phone number?

Maybe we’re at the ‘difficult’ stage of our relationship, but honestly, I was a little insulted when you started slipping ads for weight loss and menopause treatments on my wall instead of the billet doux I had been hoping for. I think it’s you who is getting old and forgetful – I’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve asked me to prove who I am. Mark, I say this with love, are you medicated?

For us to move forward as a couple I believe there are a few changes we must make. I say “we”; of course, I mean you.

  1. Stop being jealous of my friends. I’d like to see what ALL my friends are up to, not just the few you approve of. While we’re on this topic, I know times are hard, but telling them they can talk to me if they pay you is NOT the way to endear yourself to my chums.
  2. Sweetie, I know how much you like games. I’ve lost count of the number of times you’ve tried to get me to play Dungeons & Dragons or dress up like a Zombie-killing farmer (so kinky) but don’t you think it might be less embarrassing to wait for other people to look for a hook up instead of spamming them with invites to join you in the ‘games room’?
  3. We all like to dress up occasionally. No, Mark, not THAT kind of dress up. I’m talking about how we put our words on our walls. You might be happy with the ‘blue-jeans and t-shirt combo’ every day. I want more. I want bold text, italics, different font sizes, emoticons… Hell! I want to change the colour of my text – let’s get rid of Ford’s “any colour so long as it’s black’ approach! Let’s be creative!
  4. I’d like the default communications to only be between us: let me choose what to share and when to share it. There are somethings we just don’t want to make public. all I’m saying is remember the trip to the Emergency Room to remove the… I’ll say no more.
  5. Variety is the spice of life, but it’s also nice to be able to rely on some things. I never know where I am with you. You keep moving the damn furniture! How am I supposed to know you decided to keep the wine glasses in the laundry basket? You make me so confused.

This isn’t a dear John letter. Not yet. But if you don’t start to listen, to REALLY listen, I don’t know if we truly have a future together.

I’m off to put on my pinafore and braid my hair – you really are soooo freaky!

Love you,

Annette x x x

The social media thingamybobs:

6 Comments

  1. Abi Burlingham
    Jan 26, 2014

    That made me giggle. I hope he listens! xx

  2. Margot Kinberg
    Jan 26, 2014

    I love this, Nettie!! It’s priceless! I hope he listens too. 🙂

  3. David
    Jan 26, 2014

    Brilliant. I really hope he gets to read this, but I have serious doubts as to whether he will do anything constructive about it. I fear the boy’s genius has all dried up. He has always seemed better at schemes than relationships anyway.

  4. Marina Sofia
    Jan 26, 2014

    Goodness, I agree! Especially the moving things around bit… Drives me crazy!

  5. Glynis Smy
    Jan 27, 2014

    Brilliant! Simply brilliant!

  6. Lisa Shambrook
    Jan 27, 2014

    This is brilliant! You tell him!

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